Jealousy Rears it's Ugly Head, Again.

I admit, I'm a jealous guy.  I wish I wasn't but sadly, I am. I had a discussion on this and finally saw what I thought I wasn't.   I wanted to find out what exactly being jealous meant.  Maybe that would help me understand why I feel this way and hopefully make it easy to overcome.

I found this:

jeal·ous  

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position

2a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.

b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.

3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.

4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.

5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

When I look at the 5 different meanings, number 1 really jumps out at me.  I'm fearful of being insignificant.  Being a has been.  Yesterdays news.  Trash ready to be thrown out.  When I see or when I perceive someone or something is better than me, an alarm in my head goes off.  I think that I better act quick or I'm done.

Number 3 is another one that, sad to say, might fit my description.  I wish that I was shown the same enthusiastic responses when I show up.  I want what they have.  Why can't I be like that.  

And number 4.  I want to protect my family.  My loved ones.  I don't want my family to have to experience unnecessary pain.  Or have to be exposed to wolves in sheep's clothing.  

All of them sound so good to me.  It makes sense to me.  But I have taken it too far.  I know that.  I have realized that being like this is not going to benefit me one bit.  It's making it worse.  So I have made up my mind to not be a jealous person.  Sounds easy enought, right?  Wrong.  I can say it but it's a slow process. Can I switch it off like a light switch?  No way.  Thank God for my wife who showed me this ugly side of me and is going to help me overcome this nasty ugly side.  

You must be going, "what, Cris is a jealous guy?"  I know, I thought I wasn't either.  But you know what?  I'm at this very bad scene and in command of salvage operations.  

Electronica!

I love this music!  Electronica is the shiznit!

The energy!  The beat!  If this can't get you going or keep you going ALL night, you, my friend are a lost cause.  Go sit down in the corner and watch everybody else have fun.  

I only know a handful of artists/DJs but I can recognize a lot of the music.  I swear, I danced all night long to this music in Vegas.  Was in some sort of trance.  I guess that's why they also call it trance or ambient music.  I can recall dancing and my quads hurting like hell but I wasn't about to leave the dance floor.  It puts me in a great mood.  Good times I tell you, good times.

Even now, I can get a good workout or run with this playing on my iPod.  I plug my MacBook into the radio and tune in to the electronica stations on iTunes and pump it LOUD!  Get that extra mile or that extra rep.  Or lifts my spirits.

Most of the guys at the station don't really care for this kind of music.  They say that it sounds all the same.  Everyone has their opinion.  Damn musical bigots!  Thank God for my earbuds.  

Right now, I should be sleeping but no, I'm up listening to some of this music and contemplating doing a workout.  It's 12 midnight.  

Ah, why not.  

Ho brah, how's that chick? Go talk to'em!

Hahaha.  I got my boy's birthday party to attend in a few days.  Turning 40.  Sheeeez, that's old!  Nah, I'm just kidding.  I'll be there soon myself.  This guy is a really nice guy.  He should be a catch for some lucky lady.  He's straight.  He has a good steady job.  Pretty responsible and trustworthy.  Only drawback is that he won't go talk to the ladies.  I mean, he can talk to girls who are already taken or girls he has no attraction too.  Myself and the other guys at work try to give him tips.  So for this installment of "At Scene In Command", I'm going to list my/our tips for the fellas so they can go talk to that girl they wish they had the balls to go talk to.  

They are in no particular order because every situation is different:

1.  Don't stare and scare her.  They want you to look but don't burn holes in her dress.

2.  Go and have fun with the other ladies around the room.  Show her you're a fun guy. 

3.  Keep her talking about herself.  This shouldn't be hard.  They're talking about their fave subject.

4.  Dance.  Chicks like guys that can pet to music.  That's dance fellas.

5.  If she says no, no biggie.  Her loss.  There's more fish in the sea.  You were doing her a favor.

6.  Go talk with the "not so attractive" girl.  This will make her wonder, "what does she have that I don't? I'm better than her."

7.  Confidence is sexy.  Don't get it confused with being a dick head.

8.  Be complimentary but don't pour it on too thick.

9.  Little subtle touches on the arm or back is money.  NOT groping!

10. No need for lines.  

These are just some tips that I could recall at the moment.  Hopefully you can use them.  Like I tell my boy, I can tell you what to do but unless you go actually do it, it's not gonna work.  Hopefully you can be at scene and more importantly, in command.

Can I Survive Without...

It's been 12 days since I've posted anything on Twitter.  Almost a week since I've posted on Facebook.  I thought it would be hard to stay away but it hasn't been at all.  

It all started when I screwed up on FB.  I'll just leave it at that.  I told myself that I was done with it all, Facebook and Twitter.  The first few days I stayed away completely.  I wanted to check it out on the first day but nope, I didn't look.  After that, it was kinda easy to tell you the truth.  Didn't really miss it.  Didn't really miss to see who was doing what with who and who was going where when.  Or even the random rumblings and mumblings and thoughts of people I hardly knew.  I guess that was one less thing that I didn't really need.  For me anyways.  

Anyway, still haven't posted a thing sans the post regarding my grandmother.  I have broken down to just take a look at Tweetdeck once in a while.  Mainly to see what the people that I know very well are up to.  I've also approved people that want to be on my friends list.  But that's about it.  Sometimes I think, "I'll just post this..." but then I say to myself, "Nah."  Or "How about one more survey or top 5", no need.  

Eventually I'll start to post again.  To communicate with the world wide web again.  When it doesn't consume too much of my time.  Time I could be using to spend with my family.  Please don't get me wrong, Twitter and Facebook can be very useful in communicating with a lot of people at once all over the world.  And I'm all for using them but for me, right now, I'd rather talk face to face, or on the phone, or text them directly.  And this blog.  I had to have somewhere to just post MY random thoughts and ideas.  

Now concerning this aspect of my life, I'm on the scene but not really in command of it.  Don't worry though, I'll work itself out.  I promise.

Hardened, Numb, or Insensitive?

This past week I've seen or heard about a lot of dying.  I went to the tower collapse in Campbell where the the dude from California was CRUSHED.  Two people dying in motor vehicle accidents around O'ahu.  And the worst one, my grandmother passed away.  This week sucked big time.  

The incident where that guy got crushed under the 120 foot metal tower was physically and mentally draining.  First, we search.  Trying to find some sign of a person.  An arm.  A leg.  A head.  You want to find something but at the same time am I really prepared to see something that WAS a person?  After several hours of removing tons of scrap metal and concrete, there was one piece to lift.  Everybody knew that he was under that piece.  Didn't have to say anything.  When it was lifted, I saw a heap of what was once a person.  Guts pushed up and out through his torso.  Appendages weren't supposed to bend that way.  The only good thing that I could see from that is that he went instantly.  Lucky him.  

I stood there about 20 feet away.  I didn't flinch.  I felt nothing.  I felt bad for his co-workers though.  Even as I went closer to cover the body, nothing.  When you see death and you have to be the one under control, you push all feelings to the back.  You feel nothing.  

On Wednesday, my grandmother passed away.  I was sad but I didn't cry or anything like that.  No bawling.  No gut wrenching screams.  Just a pause.  It made me wonder if my job has made me insensitive.  I wasn't working or anything like that so why wasn't I more emotional?  I wasn't as close to my grandmother as I was when I was younger but it's not like she was some stranger to me.  Maybe I'm not an emotional person.  Dead inside?  I don't think so.  Sometimes now when I think about her, I might get a little teary eyed but that's it.  Plus I think it might be tears of joy 'cause she's in heaven now and no suffering any more.  

Hardened?  Nope.  Numb?  Don't think so.  Insensitive?  Not even.  Human?  Every part.  I just know when to turn it on and off.  

Like I said, at scene and in command.

The Spring Celebration

Today, the kids of Pearlridge Elementary School had their version of May Day.  Since it wasn't on May 1st, they called a Spring Celebration.  All three of my kids were performing today.  

My baby performed first. She's in pre-school there and did the Boogie Walk alongside the Kindergardeners. She wore a blue denim skirt, a white blouse, white shoes and pink sunglasses.  Super cute.  The dance consisted of some spins, side-to-side steps, jumps, and pointing with the fingers. She knew all the steps.  But then again, she likes to dance.

My middle child performed a Tahitian dance.  She wore a blue with green print pareo with the ti leaf lei.  She looked real cute.  She was in the front and I guess she was one of the better ones.  Or at least she knew the dance.  

My oldest did a hula number that was about King Kamehameha.  They just wore jeans, a red t-shirt and a kukui nut lei.  He did pretty good but he wasn't one of the leaders who danced in the front.  He could've been though.  

The whole thing was pretty entertaining.  The sixth grade, in my opinion, took the easy way out.  They just did some sort of singing/rapping and did some hand clapping, a little swaying, and some of the boys tried to do some break dancing.  Nothing to get excited about.  The sun beating down on me made it even worse.  

The one thing that I noticed is that the costumes aren't as elaborate as they were when I was in elementary school.  Maybe they don't care.  Maybe they don't have money.  Who knows?  

Darkness, Enveloping Me

I'm pulling my freaking hair out. Figuratively speaking, cause I'm bald and all ya'know.  I'm in a dark, hot, smoke-filled room with no light and I've lost my bearings.  My air is running low because the alarm on my SCBA is blaring letting me know that I have less than 500 psi left.  What is that, like a couple of minutes. Panic starts to well up.  Instinct kicks in.  The training and drilling will carry me through.  Time to regroup and find a way out.  Breathe dawg, breathe.

Just found out how much we have left in the deck budget and it's getting close to being all used up.  Running on fumes. The lumber.  The labor.  And today the roofing.  That freaking killed it.  Nothing left for the door.  Nothing left for the perimeter wall.  Nothing left for the landscaping.  Nothing left for the electrician.  Nothing left for the mason. Nothing left for the fixtures.  And it still has to get furnished.  Damn, I'm up the proverbial creek trying to go UPstream.  

But, at least I have a paddle.  It's a small one but it's still a paddle.  I'll have to paddle like I'm racing across the Molokai Channel.  Or like at the top of a waterfall.  Time to man up and make that cheese. Time to take on this mess head-on.  Hopefully I can grab more shifts at my part-time job.  And try to get more overtime shifts at my full-time job.  I'm the only one that can make more money right now.  I'll be honest, I'm lazy.  I love my days off spending time with the family but if we are going to see this deck through, you'll be seeing less of me, unless you want to come swimming at the hotel.  LOL  At least one of us can have fun.  

So, I'm at scene, and what a scene it is, and in command.  Not necessarily extinguished and done with but stabilizing and working on mitigating the incident.  

It could be worse, I could have no paddle.

Our New Deck-The Hurdles to Getting a Nice Party Place

We decided to demolish the old deck and build a bigger, better and more inviting deck.  We have visions of throwing rocking parties where people will hang out on the deck having a great time. It's a great idea and I'm all for it and I can really visualize the good times ahead but the road to good times are littered with obstacles.  Rocks that I'm continuously tripping over.  Twigs and branches that are hitting me in the nuts.  You get the idea.  

First thing that comes to mind is the way I feel when the builders are working.  I like them.  They are really nice guys and I can see myself hanging out with them but I don't like working with them.  I mean, I should be out there if I have time but I feel like I'm in the way.  I also don't want to slow them down by having them show me what to do instead of just doing it.  I also feel that they feel like the "boss"is watching them work. Looking over their shoulder.  Not trusting them.  I mostly just end up trying to find things to do.  Work my part-time.  Go get material for them.  Or just hide in the house.  Crazy I know but it works for me.

Another thing that really makes my lower abdomen hurt is the cost.  Little things just keep adding up.  Plus the big things like the roof, which we didn't anticipate costing sooooo much, and the sliding doors.  I shouldn't mind but, and this is a HUGE but, the less money I have left after the project the less money towards a motorcycle.  I know selfish but so what.  The deal was whatever money is left after the project, I can use to get a motorcycle.  A Harley Davidson.  But I feel it slipping away.  No Softail Deluxe for me.  Ah, the feeling of wanting one will eventually pass.  I hope sooner rather than later.

And the big one that I absolutely hate is the tension and feeling of uneasiness it is creating between me and my wife.  That absolutely sucks.  But you know what, we work it out.  We both have a common goal.  Plus, I'm at scene and in command.

Why Am I Blogging?

Why am I doing this?  Do I have any business blogging?  Who cares what I think?  I don't know the answers to this but I'm going to do this anyway.  Everyone is doing it and I think that this will help me with my personal relationships.  

Lately, I have been reminded that people can't read my mind.  I though they could but I was wrong.  I shall make a conscious effort to speak my mind.  I mean REALLY speak my mind.  And if I forget, I shall lay it out here.  

So, I hope  you find my way of thinking and my thoughts interesting and hope that you check back every now and then to see what's going on in my slice of time.  

Because whatever happens, I'm at scene and in command.